Phillip Thompson

Crime Fiction writer

Some people have wayyyy too much time on their hands (not me, of course). Today’s chuckle comes from the folks who came up with “Pulp Bard,” which, as you can probably guess, is yet another take on one of the most-discussed movies of a generation, Pulp Fiction.

I’m a huge Tarantino fan, and I love Pulp Fiction (though Jackie Brown is right up there, too). I’m not alone. There have been countless parodies and imitations. One of my all-time favorites was on Mad TV: a sketch called “Gump Fiction,” in which Forrest declared he was about to “get medieval on your buttocks.” And someone else with way too much time on their hands actually pieced together the entire movie in chronological order. I think one of the main reasons the movie is so fascinating is the fact that it’s shot out of sequence, but this is still an interesting look at the movie — and you get your Christopher Walken right up front. Check it out here.

Pulp Bard” is the entire Pulp Fiction script written in Shakespearean (supposedly) English. And it’s hysterical. You can view the entire script here, but here’s one of my favorite scenes (Samuel L. Jackson inquiring about the country of “What”) rewritten:

Julius: Your pardon; did I break thy concentration?
        Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.
        Allow me, then, to offer a retort.
        Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
Brett:  What?
Julius: What country dost thou hail from?
Brett:  What?
Julius: Thou sayest thou dost hail from distant What!
        I know but naught of thy strange country What.
        What language speak they in the land of What?
Brett:  What?
Julius: English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
Brett:  Aye!
Julius: Then hearken to my words and answer them!
        Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!
Brett:  What?
(JULIUS presses his knife to BRETT's throat)
Julius: Speak 'What' again! Thou cur, cry 'What' again!
        I dare thee utter 'What' again but once!
        I dare thee twice and spit upon thy name!
        Now, paint for me a portraiture in words,
        If thou hast any in thy head but 'What',
        Of Marsellus Wallace!
Brett:  He is dark.
Julius: Aye, and what more?
Brett:  His head is shaven bald.
Julius: Hath he the semblance of a harlot?
Brett:  What?
(JULIUS strikes with his blade and BRETT cries out)
Julius: Hath he the semblance of a harlot?
Brett:  Nay!
Julius: Then why didst thou attempt to bed him thus?
Brett:  I did not!
Julius: Aye, thou didst! O, aye, thou didst!
        Thou sought to rape him like a chattel whore!
        And sooth, Lord Wallace is displeased to bed
        With aught save Lady Wallace, whom he wed.

It’s a great way to waste a couple of hours. Alas.

And when you’re tired of reading the Queen’s English, check out today’s writing: A Simple Murder at Amazon.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: